I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
