I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
