Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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