Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
