Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
