So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
