don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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