just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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