his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
