I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
