Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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