thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
