TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
