It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
