omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
