Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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