I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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