I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
