Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize