one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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