I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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