I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
