im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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