apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
