When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
