I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
