Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
