I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
