Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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