Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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