Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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