i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
