My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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