nut hugger
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
