No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
