Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
