I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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