hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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