Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
