Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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