her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize