Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
