Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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