so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
