Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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