beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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