OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
