I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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