Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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