My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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