My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
