What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
