VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
