She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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