I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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