i barfeds in our rink
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
