Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Farmville is her only friend.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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