Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just tell him i said nine months
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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