Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
