I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
