we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
