We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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